6 months

the way you look at me –
fantastic as we talk about it.
I can see you scanning,
scanning me with your superiority
as you glare at my entire body
for an entirety, grinning
I wonder what we could do with that
so I’m waiting.

I can’t wrap my head around it
and I can’t get it out of me…
the insanity makes me believe
you can dream of us
so possibly
maybe, possibly, you understand
you can control the uncontrollable:
me, I’m waiting

alexandra

How to know if someone cares about you

June has ended and it’s time for another life update disguised as a soliloquy. It’s been terribly difficult for me to write lately – and at this point it only sounds like I am making excuses – but I’ve been either ecstatic or abnormally depressed, neither being the proper state for me to compose something with…well, sense.

Now I am calm, although I am not entirely sure how long it will last so I’m going to make this quick. (I’m kidding.) I am currently enjoying a warm bath with lots and lots of stuff from Sephora so describing my mood right now is completely pointless; you must get the point. Not to mention it’s 1:12 am as I am typing this sentence onto my phone – talk about total peace and quiet. Anyway, I’ve just mentioned the emotional swings I’ve (not really) surpassed – you know, the ones that made me look pretty bipolar – and there’s obviously a cause to it. Everything has a reason, am I right? And it’s not that the person behind it is why I am so furious, but my stupidity at the time. I could have prevented everything and I didn’t.

I don’t consider that my ranting would be anyhow beneficial to neither myself right now, nor this entry. What would the point be? However, I do want to mention that there are some moments in our lives when we feel like a certain previous period of time has been wasted. I honestly did not believe in such thing until now; I didn’t think that time would fly so rapidly or that decisions should be regretted. I used to perceive any action leading to your contentment at the respective moment was more than enough. Yep, that just burned to crisp.

Here’s what I say:

Don’t waste your time on people who give you signs that you don’t matter to them. It’s a lot less complicated than you’d think to realise that. It’s easy for someone to call, it’s not a big bother for them to check on you, see how you’ve been; the moments that matter are the small requests that are or are not completed by them. “How are you feeling?” counts. “Here, let me get this for you.” counts. “I made this for you.” counts. Someone getting out of their way for you, counts. When they won’t put the slightest effort into your relationship (of any kind), don’t waste your time with them.

Don’t lose potential memories on toxic people, those who will be nasty behind your back when whatever you had ended, those who put you last when you deserve to be prior. If it’s meant to be, they’ll look for you. They will try to initiate something for you and make you happy. There are individuals who won’t necessarily scream their feelings out loud, but they will show you exactly what’s going on it their mind. They will introduce you in their life, and they will do their best to keep you in it. Surround yourself with those ones and never forget to be one of them.

Toxic people, they will ruin you. They will make you feel right, and hit you with reality afterwards. They will make you consider yourself loved, only to prove you wrong at any minor inconvenience. They won’t take account of what you say or of what you do. They will give you up – just like that. They will try to make your life a living hell. They will break you and you’ll find it hard to trust someone again, especially if this had happened many times before. But they won’t succeed, because they know they’re no better than that.

Don’t waste your time with anyone just to boost your ego. Yes, you heard it right – there are times when it’s not their fault, but yours. It wasn’t, of course, my case, but it’s worth mentioning. What did I mean by “boosting your ego”? Not leaving someone because of whatever reasons concerning you and you only and not accepting some flaws you may have. For example, if you change your friends or your partners a lot, you’ve probably been told that at some point and might not want to leave someone in order to prove yourself differently. Don’t. Leave. That’s your nature, and if they don’t make you happy, there’s no point to it, anyway.

How do you choose someone that’s right for you? That I cannot tell. All you have to do is be yourself, and it’ll hit you. Not literally. There will be tough times, but they mean well. Happiness is only temporary if you aren’t aware that you can always summon it. Always remember to be somebody they’ll be afraid to lose. Be kind, be considerate, be attentive. Smile. Apologise. Be sincere. Be who you truly are, and that will be appreciated.

Side note, right now I’ve chosen the featured image for this entry and it’s from a great night with my best friends. It was mandatory to mention, as a “thank you”.

It’s a short entry, but I think it’s time for me to end it. I’m very clear at this point and I’m also surprisingly tired for 3:01 am. No, it didn’t take me two hours to write this, it just took me a lot to shower. Have a great…uh…period of time until I decide to post again and I trust that you’ll do amazingly!

Good luck!

P.S.: I hope you read this, asshole, because everything’s well without you.

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There’s no such thing as a first thin end of the wedge | Motivation to pursue your dreams

I do a lot of crazy things, from dyeing my hair and eyebrows pink to creating and maintaining a blog. Hah.

Life is a surprising series of events that question each individual’s sanity. Why, you may ask? I have no idea. That’s just how it goes. It starts with pranking your friends or neighbours, stealing candy from your drawer at midnight, – in other words – insignificant actions which temporarily cause joy. It obviously ends with insanity, but I choose not to reach that topic.

Referring to the insignificant things that make me happy, I was recently thinking of buying a personal domain for my blog, and while so, a random thought started haunting my mind. How did I come to the conclusion that I want to even pursue such a path? Honestly, I have created many blogs in the past and failed. I’ve written stories (and I still do); to be exact, I have done many things to keep my passion alive, even if I managed to succeed or not. Spoiler alert, I haven’t yet.

However, there’s this feeling I get whenever I’m writing, and I honestly hope we can all find ourselves truly satisfied with a hobby/job. It’s unexplainable, but I would try to describe it as impatience combined with fulfilling contentment. What happens to be different this time from the past is that I am actually working for progress.

Don’t worry if, for example, your first try at something isn’t your lucky one. It’s not like mine was, or anyone’s really. As long as you’re filled with determination (please get my Undertale reference) nothing can stop you. If you don’t believe me, I’ll leave you here some of my old vs new pieces to read, maybe you can convince yourself.

Oh my, how many times acting had saved me lots of minutes to rethink and redo… Let’s say -shht-  that if I were to do the things I haven’t done because of this, I’d take a few tests at school, I’d go to a few more classes, and I would do lots of homework…

Don’t take it the bad way, I only did it because I felt unprepared for what I was supposed to do. I needed time. For those tests and classes, a simple ”I’ll bring you an essay/a project.” it’s more than perfect, for me at least. I can say it did help.

But, of course, you gotta do it well. You can’t just fake a bad crying and faint, it has to be in your blood. Or, you can practice, practice, practice! Not in public places, for yourself, God. It would be weird to see someone talking to themselves on the street while walking. You’ll see how if you keep reading.

Yeah, that’s one piece of an article from one of my former blogs.

Yeah, it’s bad. I guess. I don’t know, to be honest, I generally cringe at everything older than a few months. Let me see if I can dig even deeper.

Alright, I am warning you – this is from 2013.

Come on…Come on…Ring, come on! Why doesn’t the bell ring? *rings*

Yaaaaay! Finally! I rush to take my things and leave without being seen. Outside the classroom, A.L. is waiting for me.

“I’m sorry I made you wait!” I say.

“Haha, don’t worry. It was worth it! Excuse me for asking, but did you talk to your parents?”

I remain silent. I possibly forgot to mention my parents died when I was 12. I’m living with my sister. A.L. doesn’t know that, though. I never talked to him about that. “They…don’t need to know. I’ll try to call them later.”

“Are you sure?” “Yes. Let’s go.”

“Where do you wanna go, tho’? 

“I think the park is a perfect place,” I say, giggling.

“This is where we’re going – anywhere your heart wants to!” he smiles, adding “Can we hold hands now?” 

I start laughing.

“Whaat?!” he asks laughing. “If you want to, I was just askiiiing!”

I get closer to him and take his hand… “Yes, we can hold hands now!” I answer smiling.

“I never doubted that!”

“Haha, shut uuuuuuup! You got scared as hell!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did!”

“Okay…maybeeeee!” A.L. gives up laughing.

The park is near. Oh, here we are. We find a nice place by the lake and sit there, on the grass. A.L. has got everything! 

“I can’t believe you actually brought food!”

“It’s just..I don’t want you to be hungry. Do I get anything, or what?”

“What.” I don’t seem to be very excited, but I am.

“Oh. Look, I made sandwiches.” I make a very happy face. I just love sandwiches. “I know you love them! Now, because you’re happy, you won’t get your food until you tell me why did you get upset when I asked you about your parents. You won’t get anything. Not even Nutella.”

“My parents…died when I was 12.”

“I’m sorry…I didn’t know..You know I’d never hurt you in any way!”

“It’s alright! Now pass the Nutella!”

“Only if you catch it!”

“Hey guys!” It’s Sofia, my sister.

“Do you mind?” I ask.

“No, I really don’t. A.L. can fail on kissing you anyway.” He blushes really hard and scratches his head grinning.

“Enough is enough, Sofia! Stop being annoying, you aren’t like that! Go away!”

Sofia gives me a weird look, but leaves.

“You didn’t have to do that..it’s your sister..you did it for me and now I feel bad.”

“I’d do anything for you. You’re like…the only thing I care about..”

We look at each other.He puts his hand on my face, gently touching me.

“You are the only thing I see. But, maybe, there’s something you’d like to see.”

He takes my hand for the 3rd time and guides me to a weird garden with a lot of colorful flowers. Then he looks at how happy I am and says:

“You may wonder why I brought you here. Well…I thought this would be a nice place to have our first kiss..”

I stop doing everything. The only thing that comes to my mind was that what I’ve always wanted was going to happen….soon.

And that’s what I used to call a goddamn chapter. I am re-reading that one particular part just because I find it terribly amusing. I think that’s remotely enough to show how much I am laughing at the moment.

Hey, though. Do you want to see what gives me hope not to give up? It’s not as if you have a choice.

Let me explain first. This blog was born because of how bad I was perceiving life. I might have ended every single entry happily, but that never meant that was how I truly viewed it. What I wanted to do was make you guys see things differently from how I do in order to help you live better, I can say. I started with this concept of attempting to improve people’s life, slowly and once at a time.

And I got here.

I achieved my own happiness so, hopefully, I’ll be able to do my job even better. But, as I said, it wasn’t always pink so the progress you’re going to read (written before the existence of this blog) can be a bit sad.

She looked at him as if he was the only person with blue eyes on Earth. He wasn’t near her, yet she still fantasized about how cozily he raised his eyebrow when she talked about numbers he didn’t always understand, about how the sun reflected rainbows in the ocean who used to smile at her, about how they were alone surrounded by crowds of people and about how she’d be able to understand what’s in his head. He said he didn’t want to talk to her, after all the looks he’d given her: apologetic, curious, full of emotion and even sometimes blank, yet filled with this perilous vibe he gave unknowingly. He wanted something from her, but he desired nothing. Unapproachable and incomprehensible, serving her hope she built dreams on, dreams soon to be crushed by a wrongful reality. All of those as if he wanted her to hate him. And she hated him, but she couldn’t stop loving him, either. That’s how the two of them existed in a void of suspicious feelings, a defamed combination between what he inspired and what her heart was willing to receive, happening day by day, as the time passed mercilessly leaving her thinking there’ll never be another way.

There you go. I’m not stating it’s fantastic, but comparing it to 2013…it says more. It almost makes me want to write a book. Overall, this is what made me consider buying the domain: the fact that I love writing and that I can see and feel that I’ve come quite far. Obviously, over a few years.

My point is that I’ve heard many of my friends who have started blogs (I’m referring to this since it’s more familiar) say “Who cares, no one’s gonna read anyway” or “It’s gonna suck” or “It’s nothing special“. Well, yeah, obviously. They’re your first tries, your first posts. They’re not going to become viral the first two minutes. They’re – probably – not going to be spectacular, nor special. I mean, haven’t you read my 2013 story? Think about it.

I’m not implying that I am perfect now because I’m not. But I’m better, and that’s proving it. And as much as I want to encourage you not to quit if you don’t feel you’ll succeed  – I cannot. Quit if you want to do so. What I advise you is to always try again. Quit, but temporarily. You’ll find yourself achieving a goal you haven’t accurately set and trust me, you’ll feel accomplished. Yes, it took me a lot to get to this, I was just hoping that proof will improve the arguments without making it sound too cliché.

All in all, I know you can do it, and I mean “you” friends, colleagues, strangers, readers, people.

Good luck.

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Our differences make​ us all alike

I believe all of this has started a long time ago, even further in the past than I can recall, and has briefly ended the exact moment I came across the similarities between two different problems.

My best friend and I were venting, as usual, about whatever happens to bother us in our daily lives, when she said something rather important. She told me sincerely how she feels about it and I realised that I am experiencing the same feeling, only to be entirely discouraged from finding a solution by the parallelism of the two situations. How was I supposed to help her now?!

I saw that this feeling was caused, in her case, by the irremediable presence of a thing, while, in my case, it was caused by its absence. Not to mention that the situations themselves were different, – in this moment I’m referring to a course of actions based on different human behavior – a detail which, again, wasn’t helpful if I was planning on helping my best friend anytime soon.

This was one of the moments I stood up and asked myself: “Considering all of it, how could these lead to the same thing? And exactly, why does it have the same intensity?” Indeed, it sounds complicated when you look at it this way. Or any other hand, really, I’m not going to lie and say I’ve solved it all because I haven’t. Brief revision: two parallel things ended up having the same effect.

By now, I think it is pretty clear that those things I keep talking about are people. Obviously, when I heard what happened I was extremely confused. You can ask her, too. I didn’t know what to say to possibly change something. All I could do was try to relate to what she feels and connect the problems somehow. That led nowhere.

The thing which, once again, got me thinking: “Are people this much alike?” We are different, yes, that is correct. We can certainly say that. But, if we do, how do we explain all sorts of relationships? We grow closer to people both similar and different from us, right? We end up seeing how a person we thought had nothing to do with us truly shares a lot of aspects. Vice versa, too.

How does that happen? Well, in one of my crazy late-night-bubble-bath theories, I tend to think like this: if people who we find different are not, that means they’re like us. But we care to find out that people who we think are like us, are or aren’t really. Where does that lead us, logically? To seeing that we are all alike.

Now, you may say: “Well, my cousin likes pasta and I don’t. That makes us different.

Yes, it does. But I’m sorry if that’s your level of seeing my point. I wasn’t talking about absolute concurrence. Ugh. Let me put it this way: you know that thing that sometimes tingles deep down when in touch with true emotion? Yeah, that’s your soul. Yeah, yeeeeah. That’s what I was talking about. See, you got it. Now, I can go on.

Thinking about the moment this little theory of mine started, it probably dates back to a few years ago, when I started mercilessly comparing people. Yes, mercilessly. I’d never leave any detail uncovered. I’d have everything sorted out in my brain: how people behave and how to treat them accordingly. I felt as if I had the key to the center of the Universe and there was nothing there to ever stop me. It took me a while to meet someone who undoubtedly changed this perception of mine. Someone who I could never understand. I still can’t. I am not going to lie and say I thought I had, at some point, but that faded away as quickly as it was born. What’s impossible to even comprehend about this person is their ability to make me love them despite them being a total prick! Whatever, that was unrelated. I guess I’m just very angry.

Honestly, I have never given it as much thought as I have now. It just seemed… normal. The detail which made it fly out of the ordinary was the moment I tried to explain this to others and they couldn’t exactly relate. It made me think something was wrong, and there probably is, I just couldn’t figure it out quite yet.

There’s still time, anyway.

What about you? What do you think about this? Do you think that we could be so much alike if we let our heart guide us?

I’m looking forward to seeing how it all turns out.

Good luck.

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How to get over that special someone

Have you ever loved someone so much that you start hating them? You hate what they’re doing to you, how stubborn they can be and how they make you feel. You hate how you can’t understand them and how they don’t want your help. You hate them because you think you know what’s best for them, and when they don’t listen it’s suddenly a crime.

You find yourself fantasising about your future together when you expect it less. You hate everything they turned out to be, yet you realise they’re the ones you see when you picture who you want to wake up next to.

Have you ever loved a person so toxic for you that you just can’t get enough of them? You distance yourself, only to see how close you still are to whom you were trying to avoid? Take me, for example. What were the chances I dream of him after so long? Slim to none, considering I thought I was over the past. False.

Also, have you ever loved someone who doesn’t care about you? And, no, I’m not talking about those really hot actors/singers you hopelessly have a crush on. I mean real people – not that they are fictional – that you see every day, going on with their lives…being happy. It’s worse when their happiness doesn’t include you; you try so hard to get their attention in every possible way. You message them, sometimes you call them, sometimes you just smile and hope. Yet, nothing happens.

It makes you wonder where you’ve gone wrong, what exactly have you done so badly that they choose to ignore you, or even avoid you. It makes you wonder if it’s your fault or they’ve just grown bored of you. You are looking for an explanation and what do you get? Exactly.

There are also those individuals who just get the wrong idea. You like them, you want to spend time with them and sometimes you don’t even know what to bring up since you’re so afraid of what they think of you. What do they do? They either take you for granted, think you’re weird and gradually ignore you, or understand your feelings incorrectly. Enough said – you get me on this one.

I have so many questions that have remained unanswered, yet I don’t want this post to become a novel. Have you ever fallen for someone who didn’t take their time to know you? Who doesn’t appreciate you enough? Who was intentionally oblivious? Who has made you feel so wrong, like you’re broken and you don’t deserve anything? Who ended up treating you like dirt? In other, simpler words: have you ever loved someone who couldn’t love you back?

I think you have. I know I have. (so many times, I strongly advise you not to follow my path – thanks)

If you’re still trying to get over it – like me – I have some suggestions for you:

  1. Do not be that person. Yeah, that person I was just talking about. Be kind to everyone and give a chance to slightly more people than you think deserve it. You will be surprised.
  2. Don’t sell yourself short. You can certainly do better, and, between us, if they act like a piece of shit, you don’t need them. You never have.
  3. (Not entirely related) Don’t show them how you truly feel. If they hurt you, screw them. I know it’s difficult to keep it to yourself sometimes, but it’s better not to let them know how you feel unless you are positive you can trust them.
  4. Explore and experience! I’ve told you before: life is all about experiences. I’m not saying that the right one will jump on you while you’re drowning yourself in shots one night, but locking yourself in your bedroom will not help, either.
  5. Socialise. I am aware it sounds incredibly stupid, but I’m only proving the point that you don’t need them. Best case scenario –  they need you. The more people you know, the merrier. You’ll see how great most of them are, and believe me when I say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. There literally are lots of people. Don’t worry.
  6. And the last thing I can think of right now (and, I say, the most important one): Do not compare every other person you meet to them. Trust me, I’ve been there. I still am a bit. “Oh, they have the same eyes.” “I don’t like their smile as much.” “X would’ve never done that.” No. Stop. The idea of getting over someone is forgetting about them!!!! (I’m writing that with so many exclamation points at the end, all emphasized, hoping that I will, maybe, at some point, finally understand that and take my own advice).

Now, listen, I am aware that all I have said so far can be extremely complicated to achieve. Do you think I would have written this if I were never there?! I’m not suggesting that – poof – overnight you will be all happy and fresh. It takes time. It can take more, it can take less, depending on how much you have let it affect you in the past. Anyhow, I hope you all the best with this. Don’t let the toxic people murder your enthusiasm (or person, it sucks more if a single person does all that, oops).

Secondly, I propose we turn this post into a drinking game – every time you feel like you can relate, take a shot. Don’t get yourselves into comas, kiddos.

Stay strong because you can.

Good luck.

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There’s plenty of time

We spend most of our teenage and young adulthood worrying about what we are going to do after high-school or college. We don’t have to say this out loud to know it’s true. Oh, did you just say you have never had this problem before? What are you, some kind of control freak?

Just kidding.

It’s better if you haven’t, actually. It means you’ve never gone through the “existential crisis” phase! You deserve a cookie.

If you have, keep on reading, this is for you.

It took me a lot to learn this, too, but worrying just means “you suffer twice” (thanks, Newt). Don’t think that if you can’t find a job the second you graduate, you’re a failure, or that if you aren’t married by the age of 27 you are going to die alone. Read the title of the article again.

Yep.

There’s plenty of time. My mum is the living proof: she has started an entire different career at the age of 46 after several years of not working. And she’s doing amazing. Why? She is happy. That’s what matters.

I was actually having this conversation with her today – I’m silently thanking her for being my inspiration – on regrets. She told me that when you choose a major, you put in perspective what you like doing, but what you can get a job out of. She said, translated and poorly quoted by me: “You need to decide to walk on a path that you will follow cheerfully after the college years, without feeling the burden of waking up every morning. A path that you know you’ll be able to walk on, even on your shittiest days.

That’s an excellent way to put it, although, of course, I had something to say, too. I said: “Yeah, but that’s not very specific. I, as an individual, can do so many other accredited courses before, during, and even after college. On many other different specialities. I can have a PhD in Mathematics and become the best make-up artist in the world. I love doing both, but I had the opportunity of only one.

She nodded.

What I am trying to advise you is to try everything you can in life. You never know where you’ll find yourself. If this course or event sounds interesting to you, don’t just decide not to go because “oh, it’s on Economics and I want to become a fashion designer”. You never know what you’ll learn there (even indirectly) and you never know how it will be useful later. Who knows? Maybe you find yourself liking Economics more than Fashion in the end. And oh, what a bummer you participated that time, you only ended up doing yourself a favour by becoming happier.

Don’t be let down by failure. So what if you didn’t get into Med school? That’s difficult as hell, anyway (major respect for the fellow Med students and graduates out there, you’re doing an amazing job, keep it up!!). It just means that is not what you were supposed to do, you were meant for something else. Find that something else and embrace it.

Another important aspect: if you don’t like it, leave. Yes, it might be the same thing your parents told you when you were dating in early high-school. Or not. Anyway, it applies later on, too. You realise that Computer Science is not for you? Change your major. Your boss is being an asshole? Try and solve this like a responsible adult, obviously. Talk with them. Find out why they’re being an asshole to you. Maybe you’ve done something wrong. Maybe that’s just how they are. You never know. They respond badly and you still aren’t satisfied? Leave. There’s thousands of better jobs waiting, and they don’t have to be in the same city, nor state.

Why stay miserable?

Because you’re a bit afraid to take a risk, probably. I’m not judging, it’s understandable. But, honestly, when you’re thinking not to quit stability due to people judging or whatever, it’s mostly only in your head. If it goes well, people will be proud. If it doesn’t, uhm, they don’t need to know. Nah, I’m kidding. If it doesn’t go well, go to the previous steps: fix it or leave.

What I’m truly trying to say, and at this point I believe I am only repeating myself, is that there is plenty of time. It’s true that your parents probably have had their jobs ever since they graduated and are sticking to it, but it’s 2017, for Christ’s sake! Don’t be afraid to do what truly makes your life worth living. While I agree, choose your path wisely, I also add, there are plenty of temporarily unexplored shortcuts that lead to a possible even better destination.

So, seniors, adults, kids dreaming of becoming whatever they want to become, there is hope. There is time. There is enough of everything you need. When you see this, and truly aim for it – I forgot to mention that it doesn’t just land in your hand, it flies around and you jump to catch it – you are certainly going to succeed.

Good luck.

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