in order to understand the process
you have to be the process
and you can’t be the process
am the process
in order to understand the process
you have to be the process
and you can’t be the process
am the process
carve your power in my skin and i will never cover the scar
as i kneel beside you, i will trace my finger upon yours
to get a simple taste of the softness of your palm
where i stand.
devour my words with all your might as you have before
listen to my glancing and my pleading as you shatter me
drink the milkish water and pretend it never happened
or just sit down,
I loved you because
I thought I had you when I traced my fingertips
and lined with love your timid cheeks,
but I suppose it wasn’t for us to be
as how it felt to have your arms around me
when I cried.
I thought you’d be here to take in my smile
as you kissed me in front of the silver moonlight,
but I reckon it wasn’t for us to be
as how it felt to have your breath beside me
while I lived.
so I stopped, but I still loved you.
June has ended and it’s time for another life update disguised as a soliloquy. It’s been terribly difficult for me to write lately – and at this point it only sounds like I am making excuses – but I’ve been either ecstatic or abnormally depressed, neither being the proper state for me to compose something with…well, sense.
Now I am calm, although I am not entirely sure how long it will last so I’m going to make this quick. (I’m kidding.) I am currently enjoying a warm bath with lots and lots of stuff from Sephora so describing my mood right now is completely pointless; you must get the point. Not to mention it’s 1:12 am as I am typing this sentence onto my phone – talk about total peace and quiet. Anyway, I’ve just mentioned the emotional swings I’ve (not really) surpassed – you know, the ones that made me look pretty bipolar – and there’s obviously a cause to it. Everything has a reason, am I right? And it’s not that the person behind it is why I am so furious, but my stupidity at the time. I could have prevented everything and I didn’t.
I don’t consider that my ranting would be anyhow beneficial to neither myself right now, nor this entry. What would the point be? However, I do want to mention that there are some moments in our lives when we feel like a certain previous period of time has been wasted. I honestly did not believe in such thing until now; I didn’t think that time would fly so rapidly or that decisions should be regretted. I used to perceive any action leading to your contentment at the respective moment was more than enough. Yep, that just burned to crisp.
Here’s what I say:
Don’t waste your time on people who give you signs that you don’t matter to them. It’s a lot less complicated than you’d think to realise that. It’s easy for someone to call, it’s not a big bother for them to check on you, see how you’ve been; the moments that matter are the small requests that are or are not completed by them. “How are you feeling?” counts. “Here, let me get this for you.” counts. “I made this for you.” counts. Someone getting out of their way for you, counts. When they won’t put the slightest effort into your relationship (of any kind), don’t waste your time with them.
Don’t lose potential memories on toxic people, those who will be nasty behind your back when whatever you had ended, those who put you last when you deserve to be prior. If it’s meant to be, they’ll look for you. They will try to initiate something for you and make you happy. There are individuals who won’t necessarily scream their feelings out loud, but they will show you exactly what’s going on it their mind. They will introduce you in their life, and they will do their best to keep you in it. Surround yourself with those ones and never forget to be one of them.
Toxic people, they will ruin you. They will make you feel right, and hit you with reality afterwards. They will make you consider yourself loved, only to prove you wrong at any minor inconvenience. They won’t take account of what you say or of what you do. They will give you up – just like that. They will try to make your life a living hell. They will break you and you’ll find it hard to trust someone again, especially if this had happened many times before. But they won’t succeed, because they know they’re no better than that.
Don’t waste your time with anyone just to boost your ego. Yes, you heard it right – there are times when it’s not their fault, but yours. It wasn’t, of course, my case, but it’s worth mentioning. What did I mean by “boosting your ego”? Not leaving someone because of whatever reasons concerning you and you only and not accepting some flaws you may have. For example, if you change your friends or your partners a lot, you’ve probably been told that at some point and might not want to leave someone in order to prove yourself differently. Don’t. Leave. That’s your nature, and if they don’t make you happy, there’s no point to it, anyway.
How do you choose someone that’s right for you? That I cannot tell. All you have to do is be yourself, and it’ll hit you. Not literally. There will be tough times, but they mean well. Happiness is only temporary if you aren’t aware that you can always summon it. Always remember to be somebody they’ll be afraid to lose. Be kind, be considerate, be attentive. Smile. Apologise. Be sincere. Be who you truly are, and that will be appreciated.
Side note, right now I’ve chosen the featured image for this entry and it’s from a great night with my best friends. It was mandatory to mention, as a “thank you”.
It’s a short entry, but I think it’s time for me to end it. I’m very clear at this point and I’m also surprisingly tired for 3:01 am. No, it didn’t take me two hours to write this, it just took me a lot to shower. Have a great…uh…period of time until I decide to post again and I trust that you’ll do amazingly!
P.S.: I hope you read this, asshole, because everything’s well without you.
It’s obvious I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been caught up in various other things, whether or not they were school related. There were times I didn’t even feel like writing when I couldn’t seem to find the right state of mind to get out of bed, let alone do anything else. That’s how I decided to take a short break from whatever didn’t feel right at that moment. And that’s understandable.
Right now, more specifically at 4:55 am, I’m on my third coffee in a row and I’ve taken a break from studying for my marvelous chemistry final tomorrow. I love this subject so much, yet I know it’s a lot to remember. Ugh, I’m venting. Back to how magical this night is, I also happen to have a can of Monster near me just in case I get sleepy after this last can of coffee. I could go on and forth about how I’ve lived off caffeine for the past… three (?) nights. I’ve honestly lost count. I’m aware it’s horrible for my body, but how else am I going to survive finals?!
However, the night itself, as I’ve said, truly is something. I’m listening to my favourite tracks and looking out the window. The light in my room is warm and very dim. I’m obviously laying in bed and I don’t think it can get any more comfortable than this. I think I’ve already mentioned in a previous entry that I tend to see some things a little differently. For example, as I was typing those words, I got distracted by my favourite hoodie in the corner of my bed, the one I forgot I just threw there a few nights ago because it was too hot in the room. Yes, I’m at that level of exhaustion: I happen to notice something and stare at it as if it were the Queen (how even is that an example?!).
What has happened in those weeks I haven’t really been active can count as life-changing, may it not be in the way you imagine. You see, when we use big words such as the one in the previous sentence, we unknowingly picture something out of the ordinary, worth mentioning in the history books of our great-grandchildren. It may or may not be so as we think that – in this case, “life-changing”- has to mean something with an effect on the world. We sometimes forget to put ourselves first and see little actions and things around us as something that can truly make a change. They can, even when we don’t realise it.
It has been really relaxing for me lately (except the part when finals came into discussion). Yes, relaxing and life-changing: I’ve picked up going to the gym, eating slightly healthier, writing poems, singing, I’ve even met so many surprisingly amazing people or got to know some better. I am aware of how I always say this: “Wow, cool people. I met some interesting people. Life is great”, but it’s because it’s true. Just like you don’t know where a little opportunity may jump from, you can never know this about people, either. And truth is that there are so many individuals like us we have never encountered for reasons I haven’t yet realised. Maybe it’s the lack of communication in general that floats around us as a society. I can’t tell. Each knows best about themselves and that’s what counts. So, as I was saying, I took a break from almost everything I was doing and started either things I haven’t done before and have been planning to for a while or things I’ve done in the past that I have enjoyed and I knew didn’t take much time or effort. Sometimes you just don’t feel like anything else, you know?
What was just great was that exactly in this little period of “life, leave me alone” that I seemed to have going on, my Romanian Language teacher came up to me and said, badly quoted: “I have some writing contests for you [and some other few of my classmates], so get on that.” Don’t get me wrong, please! I am so, so grateful to have a teacher that helps and encourages our talents and passions, it’s just that the alignment of events wasn’t that favourable. Whoever writes stories/poetry/etc or has practiced any other activity of the artistic field knows how difficult it can be to create something when it’s forced upon you. All the ideas you thought you had simply vanish. You get writer’s block as if a deadline wasn’t stressful enough. 😀 However, this is not about me complaining that I still haven’t finished the last short story. This is a way of making me say that this short break did me well.
I’ve kind of rushed into the last few entries. It’s not as if I wasn’t keen on writing them, but I was, once again, sort of forcing myself to, since I was desperate to have a regular posting schedule and so on. That…well obviously didn’t happen. I’m not mad, though. I don’t have a reason to. Right now, I’m writing this with so much ease that I need to stop from time to time in order to actually sort out my ideas in my head. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a hobby for me, not a job, so it’s more than healthy not to be obsessed with posting regularly. I mean, sure, I want traffic on my blog and engagement and I am aware that it would be a factor, but once again, it’s not a job. I’m not living off it. I’m fine. And honestly, it’s so much more relaxing to write from the heart after a while of struggling to get the words right in a story. You can even see that this looks more of an entry that the last ones.
What I am vaguely trying to tell you is that it’s ok to stop. When things are getting rough, it’s alright to take a break. It’s normal to want to quit and it’s not a bad thing if you do. Lay down, read a book, watch a movie, go out more – get your mind off things and allow yourself to spoil yourself. You may not realise how important that is. Whatever you do, don’t lose your interests permanently. The period you stay away from something may be as long as you want, just not forever. Remember that you’ve started what you have for a reason. Now, keep imagining that reason and ask yourself if it meant anything to you and if it means now. Ask yourself how much you may have given up for the thing. In simpler words, you can always give up a themed Instagram account whose posting schedule and content start pissing you off, but should you quit painting? Or I don’t know, you do you and don’t delete that Instagram account either. I was trying to balance two things and that’s what came to my mind at this hour.
If you have many things that you like, switch them up if you get bored, just as I’ve said that I put aside this blog for a while in the favour of poetry. Don’t leave what you know makes you happy; that just gets you further away from love, the love you have for yourself and your life. You have all the time in the world to fight with your best friend, to sleep, to cry, even to laugh and to try out new things. You don’t have to do them all together. You don’t have to rush into actions or relationships. You don’t have to live normally and you don’t have to stress yourself over what can be done anytime. I am sure that at this point you got my idea: put yourself first from time to time and know that whatever choice you make, it’s important to be for your own good, primarily.
What even is love?
According to Ortega y Gasset, “We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies.” But isn’t this what we always do? Aren’t there moments we live in which we look around, at the people, the buildings, the trees, and see perfection yet feel so far away from it? Thus, we get to love it.
We can fall in love with almost anyone, even with the ones we expect it less. However, not with family. The family we already love, and we love them unconditionally and without a particular reason; because when we’re falling for a person, we’re seeking reasons. We know we’ll be asked why. What do you see in him? In her? And we love their eyes, their lips, how they laugh or how they cry when they’re not around.We’re searching for superficial explications in order to get away, to avoid saying how we truly feel; but let’s be honest that not even we know why and when we love.
Then, magic happens.
miracle= (noun) an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency; a remarkable event or development that brings very welcome consequences; an exceptional product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something.
In other words, a miracle is what inexplicably happens both around us and inside our hearts. It makes us happy, but it also upsets us, it creates jealousy, it helps us relive memories. Love makes it so that the ups and downs, the past and the future, life and death are no longer seen in contradictory.
It’s a force above what we can control. It’s a gracious state of mind.
You find yourself in a place where you’re perfectly happy. You’ve met people you’re genuinely happy with: your best friend, your friend group, your family. They’re people you individually and differently care about. Let’s say you and your sister have your life planned out. She is always there for you and you love her. You love her, but you don’t love her the same way you love your mother or your crush/significant other. Let’s say you spend the night, with or without a glass of wine at a person you love, because they’re important for you.
Emotional essays inserted in the middle of the entry aside, imagine the pain I felt when I saw (literally saw; I don’t mean “realized”, I mean it was in front of me physically) my chances shatter. I turned my back and walked away.
It looked easy, and others saw it as no problem. “Maybe she went to class or something,” I reckon hearing then faintly. It wasn’t that. I couldn’t stand to look. The way to wherever I was going felt like the most horrible walk of shame. It felt worse than walking on spikes, it felt as if something was both pushing and dragging me down and I was fighting to walk.
And I realized I wasn’t over it, not even close to it. So, the next time you ask me, no. I’m not fine.
I’m writing this as I’m swinging in this playground with absolutely no one around, with one glove on and the other hand on my phone. I’m listening to music. I can only see some hair strands being blown by the wind and my battery draining. I might get to this later.
Back at it. I’m at the subway station, waiting. Still pretty lonely, although there are plenty of people around me. I have an immense to-do list for today: leave some important papers at the board of education, then go grocery shopping because I’ve started this new diet and I have nothing that I need at home. Great. It’s a long road to pass and it’s spread all around my city. Sounds exciting considering that I feel very, very sick.
However, I’m on the subway now and to be honest I feel like it’s going so slowly. I am purely looking forward to shopping. I am aware it didn’t sound like such a long list of responsibilities, but if you were me you’d know that I’d rather had spent my day reading and in bed.
Waiting for the subway once again. I lost it by one second – literally – and it’s getting frustrating. I’ve solved the paper thingy and in the two minutes that I’ve been there, the lady managed to be rude and irritating. Does she think I’m having a day of sunshine and rainbows?! Whatever. I cannot wait to get to buy the low-carb food I deserve.
I’m done grocery shopping and I’m super happy with what I got. On the other hand, my arms are shaking (pun intended). I had to sit down. Who the fuck told me it was a good idea to carry everything on my own????!!!! Oh, that was me. Never mind. Let’s see if I can make it home.
I finally got on the bus and sat down. I have never felt such blessing. I cannot freaking wait to have to walk to my block. (if you can’t tell, I’m sarcastic)
Alright, after many attempts at walking I got home safely. By now, you’re probably re-reading the title and wondering what it has to do with what I wrote.
There was a particular beauty in swinging alone, in admiring the trees, waiting. There was also the fun I had finding places, walking alone. I felt different having no one keep me busy. I was buried in my thoughts, able to visualize what I was going to write, how I wanted to, where I was going, my plans. It’s unexplainable, although it felt right having everything smoothly arranged in my brain. Pretty fascinating, if you ask me.
Weirdly satisfying, also, how this sensation of responsibility, combined with actually achieving some small goals, with being able of seeing things in a whole new perspective. I feel that, when we are alone, we view what’s around us with what seems to be a unique sense.
Today is not the day those happened. I decided to end this entry after a while considering I’d form a general opinion. I have. Also, it was written throughout the day for a better, more lively perspective. I don’t know whether or not that was so, yet what I am sure of is that I’ve put my exact reactions (maybe a little bit more censored, my arms were hurting like literal hell: they were burning and I was barely able to move them and my back was horrible and I felt very sick afterwards. I’m not exaggerating; I’m not a physically strong person and I was starving, the road was pretty long and my muscles were already sore from the day before). It felt good knowing I’d write down my feelings and work for an entry.
To be honest, if there was a way to record everything you see every day, among with your exact thoughts – that’d be great. Imagine how many good movies would be, just download them from your brain and montage that shit! Easy.
I’m kidding, but seriously now. I’m talking an automatic journal or something. Make that happen. Not to mention it would be a lot easier for artists to remember images and for writers to… Well, write.
That was my point and I hope you had no problem seeing it the way I do. If you haven’t, Try doing something you usually do with someone else alone. If you feel like calling friends over, don’t unless it’s a matter of safety.
Tell me how it went.