6 months

the way you look at me –
fantastic as we talk about it.
I can see you scanning,
scanning me with your superiority
as you glare at my entire body
for an entirety, grinning
I wonder what we could do with that
so I’m waiting.

I can’t wrap my head around it
and I can’t get it out of me…
the insanity makes me believe
you can dream of us
so possibly
maybe, possibly, you understand
you can control the uncontrollable:
me, I’m waiting

alexandra

juste, pourquoi?

i wish i understood the smell of his perfume when he sat next to me
and i wanted to tell him how much he reminds me of you.
i wanted to let him know just how much he can be
a much more desirable version, something new.

i wish i leaned in closer in that moment of correction
and intoxicated myself with the way he speaks;
i only wanted to show a brief case of affection
to a more desirable version, something i seek.

i wish you understood me the way he does now,
so I would not have to feed you love in thirds.
and although we exchange glances, not words
i still love him somehow

alexandra

How to know if someone cares about you

June has ended and it’s time for another life update disguised as a soliloquy. It’s been terribly difficult for me to write lately – and at this point it only sounds like I am making excuses – but I’ve been either ecstatic or abnormally depressed, neither being the proper state for me to compose something with…well, sense.

Now I am calm, although I am not entirely sure how long it will last so I’m going to make this quick. (I’m kidding.) I am currently enjoying a warm bath with lots and lots of stuff from Sephora so describing my mood right now is completely pointless; you must get the point. Not to mention it’s 1:12 am as I am typing this sentence onto my phone – talk about total peace and quiet. Anyway, I’ve just mentioned the emotional swings I’ve (not really) surpassed – you know, the ones that made me look pretty bipolar – and there’s obviously a cause to it. Everything has a reason, am I right? And it’s not that the person behind it is why I am so furious, but my stupidity at the time. I could have prevented everything and I didn’t.

I don’t consider that my ranting would be anyhow beneficial to neither myself right now, nor this entry. What would the point be? However, I do want to mention that there are some moments in our lives when we feel like a certain previous period of time has been wasted. I honestly did not believe in such thing until now; I didn’t think that time would fly so rapidly or that decisions should be regretted. I used to perceive any action leading to your contentment at the respective moment was more than enough. Yep, that just burned to crisp.

Here’s what I say:

Don’t waste your time on people who give you signs that you don’t matter to them. It’s a lot less complicated than you’d think to realise that. It’s easy for someone to call, it’s not a big bother for them to check on you, see how you’ve been; the moments that matter are the small requests that are or are not completed by them. “How are you feeling?” counts. “Here, let me get this for you.” counts. “I made this for you.” counts. Someone getting out of their way for you, counts. When they won’t put the slightest effort into your relationship (of any kind), don’t waste your time with them.

Don’t lose potential memories on toxic people, those who will be nasty behind your back when whatever you had ended, those who put you last when you deserve to be prior. If it’s meant to be, they’ll look for you. They will try to initiate something for you and make you happy. There are individuals who won’t necessarily scream their feelings out loud, but they will show you exactly what’s going on it their mind. They will introduce you in their life, and they will do their best to keep you in it. Surround yourself with those ones and never forget to be one of them.

Toxic people, they will ruin you. They will make you feel right, and hit you with reality afterwards. They will make you consider yourself loved, only to prove you wrong at any minor inconvenience. They won’t take account of what you say or of what you do. They will give you up – just like that. They will try to make your life a living hell. They will break you and you’ll find it hard to trust someone again, especially if this had happened many times before. But they won’t succeed, because they know they’re no better than that.

Don’t waste your time with anyone just to boost your ego. Yes, you heard it right – there are times when it’s not their fault, but yours. It wasn’t, of course, my case, but it’s worth mentioning. What did I mean by “boosting your ego”? Not leaving someone because of whatever reasons concerning you and you only and not accepting some flaws you may have. For example, if you change your friends or your partners a lot, you’ve probably been told that at some point and might not want to leave someone in order to prove yourself differently. Don’t. Leave. That’s your nature, and if they don’t make you happy, there’s no point to it, anyway.

How do you choose someone that’s right for you? That I cannot tell. All you have to do is be yourself, and it’ll hit you. Not literally. There will be tough times, but they mean well. Happiness is only temporary if you aren’t aware that you can always summon it. Always remember to be somebody they’ll be afraid to lose. Be kind, be considerate, be attentive. Smile. Apologise. Be sincere. Be who you truly are, and that will be appreciated.

Side note, right now I’ve chosen the featured image for this entry and it’s from a great night with my best friends. It was mandatory to mention, as a “thank you”.

It’s a short entry, but I think it’s time for me to end it. I’m very clear at this point and I’m also surprisingly tired for 3:01 am. No, it didn’t take me two hours to write this, it just took me a lot to shower. Have a great…uh…period of time until I decide to post again and I trust that you’ll do amazingly!

Good luck!

P.S.: I hope you read this, asshole, because everything’s well without you.

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For when you wonder if you are truly over it

What even is love?

According to Ortega y Gasset, “We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies.” But isn’t this what we always do? Aren’t there moments we live in which we look around, at the people, the buildings, the trees, and see perfection yet feel so far away from it? Thus, we get to love it.

We can fall in love with almost anyone, even with the ones we expect it less. However, not with family. The family we already love, and we love them unconditionally and without a particular reason; because when we’re falling for a person, we’re seeking reasons. We know we’ll be asked why. What do you see in him? In her? And we love their eyes, their lips, how they laugh or how they cry when they’re not around.We’re searching for superficial explications in order to get away, to avoid saying how we truly feel; but let’s be honest that not even we know why and when we love.

Then, magic happens.

miracle= (noun) an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency; a remarkable event or development that brings very welcome consequences; an exceptional product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something.

In other words, a miracle is what inexplicably happens both around us and inside our hearts. It makes us happy, but it also upsets us, it creates jealousy, it helps us relive memories. Love makes it so that the ups and downs, the past and the future, life and death are no longer seen in contradictory.

It’s a force above what we can control. It’s a gracious state of mind.

You find yourself in a place where you’re perfectly happy. You’ve met people you’re genuinely happy with: your best friend, your friend group, your family. They’re people you individually and differently care about. Let’s say you and your sister have your life planned out. She is always there for you and you love her. You love her, but you don’t love her the same way you love your mother or your crush/significant other. Let’s say you spend the night, with or without a glass of wine at a person you love, because they’re important for you.

Emotional essays inserted in the middle of the entry aside, imagine the pain I felt when I saw (literally saw; I don’t mean “realized”, I mean it was in front of me physically) my chances shatter. I turned my back and walked away.

It looked easy, and others saw it as no problem. “Maybe she went to class or something,” I reckon hearing then faintly. It wasn’t that. I couldn’t stand to look. The way to wherever I was going felt like the most horrible walk of shame. It felt worse than walking on spikes, it felt as if something was both pushing and dragging me down and I was fighting to walk.

And I realized I wasn’t over it, not even close to it. So, the next time you ask me, no. I’m not fine.

Are you?

Good luck.

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I spent and documented an entire day alone and it was surprisingly pleasant

I’m writing this as I’m swinging in this playground with absolutely no one around, with one glove on and the other hand on my phone. I’m listening to music. I can only see some hair strands being blown by the wind and my battery draining. I might get to this later.

Back at it. I’m at the subway station, waiting. Still pretty lonely, although there are plenty of people around me. I have an immense to-do list for today: leave some important papers at the board of education, then go grocery shopping because I’ve started this new diet and I have nothing that I need at home. Great. It’s a long road to pass and it’s spread all around my city. Sounds exciting considering that I feel very, very sick.

However, I’m on the subway now and to be honest I feel like it’s going so slowly. I am purely looking forward to shopping. I am aware it didn’t sound like such a long list of responsibilities, but if you were me you’d know that I’d rather had spent my day reading and in bed.

Waiting for the subway once again. I lost it by one second – literally – and it’s getting frustrating. I’ve solved the paper thingy and in the two minutes that I’ve been there, the lady managed to be rude and irritating. Does she think I’m having a day of sunshine and rainbows?! Whatever. I cannot wait to get to buy the low-carb food I deserve.

I’m done grocery shopping and I’m super happy with what I got. On the other hand, my arms are shaking (pun intended). I had to sit down. Who the fuck told me it was a good idea to carry everything on my own????!!!! Oh, that was me. Never mind. Let’s see if I can make it home.

I finally got on the bus and sat down. I have never felt such blessing. I cannot freaking wait to have to walk to my block. (if you can’t tell, I’m sarcastic)

Alright, after many attempts at walking I got home safely. By now, you’re probably re-reading the title and wondering what it has to do with what I wrote.

It’s simple.

There was a particular beauty in swinging alone, in admiring the trees, waiting. There was also the fun I had finding places, walking alone. I felt different having no one keep me busy. I was buried in my thoughts, able to visualize what I was going to write, how I wanted to, where I was going, my plans. It’s unexplainable, although it felt right having everything smoothly arranged in my brain. Pretty fascinating, if you ask me.

Weirdly satisfying, also, how this sensation of responsibility, combined with actually achieving some small goals, with being able of seeing things in a whole new perspective. I feel that, when we are alone, we view what’s around us with what seems to be a unique sense.

Today is not the day those happened. I decided to end this entry after a while considering I’d form a general opinion. I have. Also, it was written throughout the day for a better, more lively perspective. I don’t know whether or not that was so, yet what I am sure of is that I’ve put my exact reactions (maybe a little bit more censored, my arms were hurting like literal hell: they were burning and I was barely able to move them and my back was horrible and I felt very sick afterwards. I’m not exaggerating; I’m not a physically strong person and I was starving, the road was pretty long and my muscles were already sore from the day before). It felt good knowing I’d write down my feelings and work for an entry.

To be honest, if there was a way to record everything you see every day, among with your exact thoughts – that’d be great. Imagine how many good movies would be, just download them from your brain and montage that shit! Easy.

I’m kidding, but seriously now. I’m talking an automatic journal or something. Make that happen. Not to mention it would be a lot easier for artists to remember images and for writers to… Well, write.

That was my point and I hope you had no problem seeing it the way I do. If you haven’t, Try doing something you usually do with someone else alone. If you feel like calling friends over, don’t unless it’s a matter of safety.

Tell me how it went.

Good luck.

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