0:01

carve your power in my skin and i will never cover the scar
as i kneel beside you, i will trace my finger upon yours
to get a simple taste of the softness of your palm
where i stand.

devour my words with all your might as you have before
listen to my glancing and my pleading as you shatter me
drink the milkish water and pretend it never happened
or just sit down,
watch
and listen.

alexandra

juste, pourquoi?

i wish i understood the smell of his perfume when he sat next to me
and i wanted to tell him how much he reminds me of you.
i wanted to let him know just how much he can be
a much more desirable version, something new.

i wish i leaned in closer in that moment of correction
and intoxicated myself with the way he speaks;
i only wanted to show a brief case of affection
to a more desirable version, something i seek.

i wish you understood me the way he does now,
so I would not have to feed you love in thirds.
and although we exchange glances, not words
i still love him somehow

alexandra

knocked out

the night and your vulnerable being
make me shiver quietly
the sun goes down and the fire shines
the glimmer in your eyes after a glass
or two, or three, I cast
my shadows as you said, leaving
no goodbyes for me
no touches and no words,
just your eyes.

alexandra

declaration / deadly

I loved you because

I thought I had you when I traced my fingertips
and lined with love your timid cheeks,
but I suppose it wasn’t for us to be
as how it felt to have your arms around me
when I cried.

I thought you’d be here to take in my smile
as you kissed me in front of the silver moonlight,
but I reckon it wasn’t for us to be
as how it felt to have your breath beside me
while I lived.

so I stopped, but I still loved you.

alexandra

How to know if someone cares about you

June has ended and it’s time for another life update disguised as a soliloquy. It’s been terribly difficult for me to write lately – and at this point it only sounds like I am making excuses – but I’ve been either ecstatic or abnormally depressed, neither being the proper state for me to compose something with…well, sense.

Now I am calm, although I am not entirely sure how long it will last so I’m going to make this quick. (I’m kidding.) I am currently enjoying a warm bath with lots and lots of stuff from Sephora so describing my mood right now is completely pointless; you must get the point. Not to mention it’s 1:12 am as I am typing this sentence onto my phone – talk about total peace and quiet. Anyway, I’ve just mentioned the emotional swings I’ve (not really) surpassed – you know, the ones that made me look pretty bipolar – and there’s obviously a cause to it. Everything has a reason, am I right? And it’s not that the person behind it is why I am so furious, but my stupidity at the time. I could have prevented everything and I didn’t.

I don’t consider that my ranting would be anyhow beneficial to neither myself right now, nor this entry. What would the point be? However, I do want to mention that there are some moments in our lives when we feel like a certain previous period of time has been wasted. I honestly did not believe in such thing until now; I didn’t think that time would fly so rapidly or that decisions should be regretted. I used to perceive any action leading to your contentment at the respective moment was more than enough. Yep, that just burned to crisp.

Here’s what I say:

Don’t waste your time on people who give you signs that you don’t matter to them. It’s a lot less complicated than you’d think to realise that. It’s easy for someone to call, it’s not a big bother for them to check on you, see how you’ve been; the moments that matter are the small requests that are or are not completed by them. “How are you feeling?” counts. “Here, let me get this for you.” counts. “I made this for you.” counts. Someone getting out of their way for you, counts. When they won’t put the slightest effort into your relationship (of any kind), don’t waste your time with them.

Don’t lose potential memories on toxic people, those who will be nasty behind your back when whatever you had ended, those who put you last when you deserve to be prior. If it’s meant to be, they’ll look for you. They will try to initiate something for you and make you happy. There are individuals who won’t necessarily scream their feelings out loud, but they will show you exactly what’s going on it their mind. They will introduce you in their life, and they will do their best to keep you in it. Surround yourself with those ones and never forget to be one of them.

Toxic people, they will ruin you. They will make you feel right, and hit you with reality afterwards. They will make you consider yourself loved, only to prove you wrong at any minor inconvenience. They won’t take account of what you say or of what you do. They will give you up – just like that. They will try to make your life a living hell. They will break you and you’ll find it hard to trust someone again, especially if this had happened many times before. But they won’t succeed, because they know they’re no better than that.

Don’t waste your time with anyone just to boost your ego. Yes, you heard it right – there are times when it’s not their fault, but yours. It wasn’t, of course, my case, but it’s worth mentioning. What did I mean by “boosting your ego”? Not leaving someone because of whatever reasons concerning you and you only and not accepting some flaws you may have. For example, if you change your friends or your partners a lot, you’ve probably been told that at some point and might not want to leave someone in order to prove yourself differently. Don’t. Leave. That’s your nature, and if they don’t make you happy, there’s no point to it, anyway.

How do you choose someone that’s right for you? That I cannot tell. All you have to do is be yourself, and it’ll hit you. Not literally. There will be tough times, but they mean well. Happiness is only temporary if you aren’t aware that you can always summon it. Always remember to be somebody they’ll be afraid to lose. Be kind, be considerate, be attentive. Smile. Apologise. Be sincere. Be who you truly are, and that will be appreciated.

Side note, right now I’ve chosen the featured image for this entry and it’s from a great night with my best friends. It was mandatory to mention, as a “thank you”.

It’s a short entry, but I think it’s time for me to end it. I’m very clear at this point and I’m also surprisingly tired for 3:01 am. No, it didn’t take me two hours to write this, it just took me a lot to shower. Have a great…uh…period of time until I decide to post again and I trust that you’ll do amazingly!

Good luck!

P.S.: I hope you read this, asshole, because everything’s well without you.

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