juste, pourquoi?

i wish i understood the smell of his perfume when he sat next to me
and i wanted to tell him how much he reminds me of you.
i wanted to let him know just how much he can be
a much more desirable version, something new.

i wish i leaned in closer in that moment of correction
and intoxicated myself with the way he speaks;
i only wanted to show a brief case of affection
to a more desirable version, something i seek.

i wish you understood me the way he does now,
so I would not have to feed you love in thirds.
and although we exchange glances, not words
i still love him somehow


knocked out

the night and your vulnerable being
make me shiver quietly
the sun goes down and the fire shines
the glimmer in your eyes after a glass
or two, or three, I cast
my shadows as you said, leaving
no goodbyes for me
no touches and no words,
just your eyes.


It’s alright to take a break

It’s obvious I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been caught up in various other things, whether or not they were school related. There were times I didn’t even feel like writing when I couldn’t seem to find the right state of mind to get out of bed, let alone do anything else. That’s how I decided to take a short break from whatever didn’t feel right at that moment. And that’s understandable.

Right now, more specifically at 4:55 am, I’m on my third coffee in a row and I’ve taken a break from studying for my marvelous chemistry final tomorrow. I love this subject so much, yet I know it’s a lot to remember. Ugh, I’m venting. Back to how magical this night is, I also happen to have a can of Monster near me just in case I get sleepy after this last can of coffee. I could go on and forth about how I’ve lived off caffeine for the past… three (?) nights. I’ve honestly lost count. I’m aware it’s horrible for my body,  but how else am I going to survive finals?!

However, the night itself, as I’ve said, truly is something. I’m listening to my favourite tracks and looking out the window. The light in my room is warm and very dim. I’m obviously laying in bed and I don’t think it can get any more comfortable than this. I think I’ve already mentioned in a previous entry that I tend to see some things a little differently. For example, as I was typing those words, I got distracted by my favourite hoodie in the corner of my bed, the one I forgot I just threw there a few nights ago because it was too hot in the room. Yes, I’m at that level of exhaustion: I happen to notice something and stare at it as if it were the Queen (how even is that an example?!).

What has happened in those weeks I haven’t really been active can count as life-changing, may it not be in the way you imagine. You see, when we use big words such as the one in the previous sentence, we unknowingly picture something out of the ordinary, worth mentioning in the history books of our great-grandchildren. It may or may not be so as we think that – in this case, “life-changing”- has to mean something with an effect on the world. We sometimes forget to put ourselves first and see little actions and things around us as something that can truly make a change. They can, even when we don’t realise it.

It has been really relaxing for me lately (except the part when finals came into discussion). Yes, relaxing and life-changing: I’ve picked up going to the gym, eating slightly healthier, writing poems, singing, I’ve even met so many surprisingly amazing people or got to know some better. I am aware of how I always say this: “Wow, cool people. I met some interesting people. Life is great”, but it’s because it’s true. Just like you don’t know where a little opportunity may jump from, you can never know this about people, either. And truth is that there are so many individuals like us we have never encountered for reasons I haven’t yet realised. Maybe it’s the lack of communication in general that floats around us as a society. I can’t tell. Each knows best about themselves and that’s what counts. So, as I was saying, I took a break from almost everything I was doing and started either things I haven’t done before and have been planning to for a while or things I’ve done in the past that I have enjoyed and I knew didn’t take much time or effort. Sometimes you just don’t feel like anything else, you know?

What was just great was that exactly in this little period of “life, leave me alone” that I seemed to have going on, my Romanian Language teacher came up to me and said, badly quoted: “I have some writing contests for you [and some other few of my classmates], so get on that.” Don’t get me wrong, please! I am so, so grateful to have a teacher that helps and encourages our talents and passions, it’s just that the alignment of events wasn’t that favourable. Whoever writes stories/poetry/etc or has practiced any other activity of the artistic field knows how difficult it can be to create something when it’s forced upon you. All the ideas you thought you had simply vanish. You get writer’s block as if a deadline wasn’t stressful enough. 😀 However, this is not about me complaining that I still haven’t finished the last short story. This is a way of making me say that this short break did me well.

I’ve kind of rushed into the last few entries. It’s not as if I wasn’t keen on writing them, but I was, once again, sort of forcing myself to, since I was desperate to have a regular posting schedule and so on. That…well obviously didn’t happen. I’m not mad, though. I don’t have a reason to. Right now, I’m writing this with so much ease that I need to stop from time to time in order to actually sort out my ideas in my head. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a hobby for me, not a job, so it’s more than healthy not to be obsessed with posting regularly. I mean, sure, I want traffic on my blog and engagement and I am aware that it would be a factor, but once again, it’s not a job. I’m not living off it. I’m fine. And honestly, it’s so much more relaxing to write from the heart after a while of struggling to get the words right in a story. You can even see that this looks more of an entry that the last ones.

What I am vaguely trying to tell you is that it’s ok to stop. When things are getting rough, it’s alright to take a break. It’s normal to want to quit and it’s not a bad thing if you do. Lay down, read a book, watch a movie, go out more – get your mind off things and allow yourself to spoil yourself. You may not realise how important that is. Whatever you do, don’t lose your interests permanently. The period you stay away from something may be as long as you want, just not forever. Remember that you’ve started what you have for a reason. Now, keep imagining that reason and ask yourself if it meant anything to you and if it means now. Ask yourself how much you may have given up for the thing. In simpler words, you can always give up a themed Instagram account whose posting schedule and content start pissing you off, but should you quit painting? Or I don’t know, you do you and don’t delete that Instagram account either. I was trying to balance two things and that’s what came to my mind at this hour.

If you have many things that you like, switch them up if you get bored, just as I’ve said that I put aside this blog for a while in the favour of poetry. Don’t leave what you know makes you happy; that just gets you further away from love, the love you have for yourself and your life. You have all the time in the world to fight with your best friend, to sleep, to cry, even to laugh and to try out new things. You don’t have to do them all together. You don’t have to rush into actions or relationships. You don’t have to live normally and you don’t have to stress yourself over what can be done anytime. I am sure that at this point you got my idea: put yourself first from time to time and know that whatever choice you make, it’s important to be for your own good, primarily.

Good luck.

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